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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

Grief Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date

My husband thinks about what he just said unapologetically: “How long are you going to use your mother’s death as an excuse?” Excuse… He thinks my grief is an invention, a concocted rouse to make his life difficult. HIS LIFE. As if losing my mother was an event I could get over at the push […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer: Part 12

Resilient. Strong. Brave. These are a few adjectives thrown my way these past four weeks. My mother’s death left a trail of bills and paperwork that had to be addressed as quickly as possible to ensure we didn’t drop the ball and lost valuable assets to non payment or other technicalities. I’ve become all these […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer: Part 11

I don’t think people get it… I am the person responsible for everything that happened. Me. I was the reason my mother had a plan for everything just to ensure my mental and physical safety. Every decision she ever made was for me, later for us, since the whole point of giving me a sister […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 10

“SHE IS THE VETERAN!” My uncle, his wife, my sister and I all yell in frantic unison. The Funeral Home’s sales rep mentally facepalms himself. After jotting down her info for over 20 minutes he had conveniently forgotten we had opened the exchange stating she was ex-military. Deliberately, my sister slowly slides over the Colonel’s […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 9

“It’s a matter of days now…” Calmly, I booked the next flight out and took my time packing. If the message was accurate, I’d need to take with me clothes fit for a military funeral. The saving grace was that my husband was staying behind and could bring me anything I’d miss; Mom wanted him […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 8

Mom had barely made it to Christmas but my grandmother hadn’t. Oh boy! My phone was blown up with messages of worry and urgency. The timing was brilliant and convenient, bare with me, assuming you believe grandma knew of the cancer and opted to avoid burying her firstborn. Between flight prices and obligations I decided […]

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F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 7

Can’t. Used to. Was. Doesn’t. Loved. These are the words I never thought I would use to describe my mother at 63 years of age. So full of life a few months ago and now she is, for the most part, bed ridden and/or lethargic. She can barely speak, eat or drink. This brick house […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 6

There’s always a calm before the storm. The tumor’s original scan. Isn’t it impressive? To think that unevenly shaped – multiform mass had caused all this drama! I can’t believe it’s already December. Wow! Never in a million years did I think mom would be in hospice care at this age, much less waiting for […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 5

I need time to stop. For the seconds to slowly trickle and the minutes to last a lifetime. I’m not ready to see days turn into nights, to be closer yet farther away… Was this it? The last time I would see her? I found myself on an red eye flight to MSP,  connecting through […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 4

She’s not herself anymore and this time, she is not bouncing back. Watching the situation from afar is dumbfounding, and I can’t even imagine how my family must be feeling dealing with mom directly. Six weeks ago she was talking, walking and making plans to conquer the world. Today, she sits in a hospital bed […]