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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd Project Zach

The Bestest Boy

We drive up to the tiny cottage house, solemn, quiet, amidst a pale soft ray of full moon light. The glow turned everything gray, with small whisps of black and white here and there. The small open front door cast a bright warm inviting luminescence that made one forget about the cold crisp summer air. […]

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Adulting Mrs Enginerd Poetry

FOMO (A Poem)

I check my phone constantly,Wondering,Waiting,Anticipating,Fearing the worst. What if today is the day?The moment the good turns into bad,The unfortunate confluence of experiences that deprives me of you? The TV,A cool breeze,The warmth of a freshly cleaned towel,An unpaired sock.They all remind me of what was,of what could have been,of what was lost to good […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Love and Marriage Mrs Enginerd

Death Becomes Her

Throughout my life, the only constant was my grandmother, Delia. Bravely, she took on the role of guardian and caregiver while my mother finished Officer Training School and other responsibilities, thousands of miles away from me. Fort Huachuca had been proven to not be the best place to raise a child, and after a few […]

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Mrs Enginerd Poetry

Not all is lost

Anger,Fear,Anxiety,RageThe crushing blow of a reality without you makes me weak,dull,mad,violent. I crawl into a ball gripping tightly to memories that still remain,Wishing I was in your arms, peacefully unaware of the lifetime I will endure without you. Who will build me up when others tear me down?Who will love me unconditionally, without hesitation?Who will […]

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F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

My First Christmas Without Her

No birthday calls. No running through the airport to meet her at the wrong terminal. No cutesy messages on WhatsApp or Facebook IM… Zero. Nada. Nothing. Only the love remains surrounded by an eerie silence. The void, a great abyss in my soul, that darkens and deepens, obliterating any encounter with a resemblance of joy. […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd Wrestling Infertility

Tips To Manage Bereavement

Funeral arrangements, forms, tax returns, and other important documents are a hassle to wrangle, especially if you are far removed from the day to day operations of your loved ones. When my mother passed away she had spared us the ordeal of sorting it out on our own. However, the meticulous planning of an Army […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

Grief Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date

My husband thinks about what he just said unapologetically: “How long are you going to use your mother’s death as an excuse?” Excuse… He thinks my grief is an invention, a concocted rouse to make his life difficult. HIS LIFE. As if losing my mother was an event I could get over at the push […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

My First Motherless Birthday

In a few days I will be celebrating my first birthday without my mother. I’ve been thinking about this day for a few months now, mentally preparing to not expect her call, texts or IMs as the night and day of my birth date progresses. It’s a hard pill to swallow. There won’t be any […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Love and Marriage Mrs Enginerd

Complicated Bereavement

Disclaimer: Although my though process post my mother’s death has been understandably debilitating, I have not been diagnosed as having a complicated bereavement. If you are looking for information about clinical treatments for this disorder to help someone you know check out The Center for Complicated Grief website. There are many dimensions to grief, many […]

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Adulting F@%k Cancer Mrs Enginerd

F@%k Cancer, Part 6

There’s always a calm before the storm. The tumor’s original scan. Isn’t it impressive? To think that unevenly shaped – multiform mass had caused all this drama! I can’t believe it’s already December. Wow! Never in a million years did I think mom would be in hospice care at this age, much less waiting for […]