In a few days I will be celebrating my first birthday without my mother. I’ve been thinking about this day for a few months now, mentally preparing to not expect her call, texts or IMs as the night and day of my birth date progresses.
It’s a hard pill to swallow.
There won’t be any singing in both English and Spanish at 12 pm Puerto Rican time or 9pm PST; no recount of the 12 hrs it took for me to arrive at 11 am on a beautiful and balmy Palm Sunday. There won’t be a surprise card in the mail, or an online social media post gushing over this once very cute and adorable baby girl. There won’t be any surprise trips or appearances, planned or unplanned, to see me level up. I won’t get a video call to ask me about my grades, my husband or her grand dog Zach.
No more “I love yous” or “I’m proud of you, hija”.
I stare at my phone in disbelief knowing this part of my life is done and over with. My mother is gone, and all that remains are the memories. I wish I could hear her sweet singing voice, the joy pouring out of her laughter, and the mischievous sparkle in her eyes as she tells me soon I’ll catch up to her in age. How ironically true that is! For the first time in my life she isn’t getting any older. We are and hopefully we will live long enough to turn 63. I wish I didn’t have to conjure up an image of her, of what she would have done or said, and rather feel the safety of her embrace.
Deep in my heart I know she wants me to be happy and enjoy my day, and I will do my best to honor her wishes. The road has been hard, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. Picking up the pieces of my broken heart I’ll blow out the candles and hope that she’s with me, in spirit, proud of how we have dealt with her departure. Getting used to the new normal is surreal. Still hasn’t sunk in that I’m never going to see her again.
My friends stepped up and helped me celebrate with lots of wine, good healthier food and BBQ. W manned the grill under a tarp cause it started to sprinkle after 7pm. For about 3 hours the weather went from overcast and pouring rain to sunshine and warmth. The birthday party was a total success! This small win helped me realized how resilient we can be even when we have people believe in us. Love conquers all in deed.
Love you momma!