The last decade has been full of eventualities; my grandfather died three weeks before my formal wedding 10.5 years ago and the roller coaster ride that is life has gained incredible momentum and speed through the sharp turns and steep drops created by the ensuing chaos. If my life had a soundtrack, you’d be hearing Billy Joel’s “We didn’t start the fire” playing in the background. I can hear myself recite a summary to its tune:
Out of college,
Got engaged,
Bought a house
Saved, saved saved,
Planned a wedding,
Granpa died,
Walked the aisle despite the sad times.
Miscarriage,
Layoff,
Bail outs,
Subprime loans,
Financial crises,
Countrywide,
Show up to work on time.
Murders,
Accidents,
DUIs,
Civil unrests,
BLM (Black Lives Matter),
MBA,
Trumps post election environment.
Immigration,
Forests burn,
Hurricane María’s deaths,
Me too,
Kaepernick,
Switched jobs,
Mom got sick.
Adulting can suck a “bleep”…
“We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it”
PROMESA was such a lie,
Puerto Rico’s in decline,
Flying home is such a mess,
Grandma died,
Who would have guessed?
Mom got worse,passed away,
Terribly miss her every day!
Sexism,
Racism,
Equal work for equal pay,
Quick FBI arrests are made,
Keleher is going away,
Corruption abounds,
Governor must step down!
Telegram chats are leaked,
Ricky still refused to leave,
Protests are underway.
What the *bleep* just happened?
“We didn’t start the fire…”
My life went from “YAY!” to Nay! in less than a decade. Considering the first twenty years went relatively well, I wasn’t expecting the entropy levels to soar exponentially. #Adultingsucks became my go to battle cry. All my energy was spent turning chaos into order. Figuring out how to solve problems that included logistical impossibilities and time crunches was my bread and butter. My attention span was shot to pieces. Every text, IM, email or phone call a source of anxiety.
Life during my 30s was exhausting!
Although many envy the grace and aplomb I show under fire, I rather be obliviously ignorant to strife and emotional hardships. Being the daughter of a military career driven single mom in a catholic society was hard enough; I was expecting it to get easier from there. For a while, it seemed like we might get a respite but 2011 kicked off with a bang and the glove hasn’t left my face ever since (“no me han quitado el guante de la cara”). Each new trial and tribulation reminded me that I was born to command and breathe fire. *Dracarys*
“Why me?” turned into “Why not me?”
Grief and loss can fuel passion in a very destructive manner. As time goes by I thank my lucky stars that peace has become the center of my strength. Focusing on what can be, not just on what was, gives me hope that the future doesn’t have to be as unforgiving as the past; that maybe I was destined for a greater purpose that would require a leader with steady resolve and compassion. There are very few problems I haven’t learned to solve, and very few situations that still shake me to the core – outside of the cruelty and injustice of humanity’s misdeeds.
Resilience is a blessing and a curse!
Existing is this weird limbo in which I know there is to more this provincial life, yet I can’t escape the gravitational pull of complex socio-economic problems is satisfying yet daunting. Convincing people there is a better way to do things, a higher payoff for everyone involved, is the bane of my existence. The MBA skillset may help a bit, but with the latest Trump tweets and looming 2020 election it may take another 5 to 10 years for the dust to settle, allowing the phoenix to rise from the ashes. I sincerely hope the next couple of months allow us some smooth sailing before we start facing the storms that come from turning 30.
At some point, this madness has to end…
Mrs. Enginerd - Nerd Whisperer 