The older brother sized hole in my heart is ever expanding. Ever present. All consuming. Impossible to ignore. So much love poured out of me and into the ether hoping it would find him well, like the emails and texts I would never be able to send. For as much as my father insisted he wanted us to meet, he would never arrange it out of respect for his wife’s wishes.
I’ve been yearning to meet the man since I was aware of his existence. Four decades is a long time to love someone from a distance…
The three year difference between us was a constant taunt. At any point in time life could step in and place us at the same spot, at the same time. Whenever I was near his high school or college, I’d scan the surroundings in the hopes of spotting him. All I had was a name, age, and vague description – back then we didn’t have social media or digital footprints to sleuth our way into a stranger’s life. Sadly, the universe never did conspire in my favor. The dude remained a mystery!
At some point, I took the hint and gave up on the missing persons search. It was too late for any of the plans I has built around him: He wouldn’t get an opportunity to harass my prom date, or tell my fiancé to take care of his baby sister at the wedding. Those mundane simple joys weren’t in the cards for me. I had made my way through my teens and early 20s without the sweet, tought and protective unconditional love that older siblings can so elegantly give, especially in moments of great fear and disappointment.
No regrets…
What hurt me the most about the situation was knowing that I wasn’t meant to be a little sister, bear hugged by big strong arms, and greeted by a killer smile that would have shielded me from loneliness. Many people have told me to try and reach out now that we are older, and wiser, but the fact is it wouldn’t undo the past. I have to make peace and accept that in this best possible world the only possible outcome was the one before me.
P.S. My mother did have a relationship with my brother, and she got to meet and talk to him numerous times. I have no idea why she chose to keep us apart. It was one of the many secrets she took with her to the grave.
Mrs. Enginerd - Nerd Whisperer 